The third sentence I used the ‘Open the locked door…’ spread for was ‘I/embody/my power’.
This time I knew in advance i wanted a sentence for this spread and i wanted it to be empowering, showing me how to come into my power. I wanted to see how I was powerful. I wanted this spread to be positive, no negative words in it like ‘I am not a woman’, or ‘open the locked door’. This spread aimed at being the positive antidote to the first two and it certainly related to them, but of course not in the way I expected…
The first sentence I wrote was ‘I am powerful’ but it didn’t feel quite right. It didn’t feel like it would get to the information I needed. I then tried ‘I am power’, not quite right again. This, like the first sentence, felt like the cards would just respond with – YES.
So I tried ‘I hold my power’, this felt closer but still not quite right. I felt like I wanted to feel my power within me, I wanted to be present in my power, to carry it with me everywhere, not just to hold it. I landed on ‘I embody my power’. This felt right.
This one formed a chronological narrative again like ‘I am/not/a woman’.
Top row (childhood):
I… (7 of Swords Rx) have grasped the gem of truth and power, but I am grasping at it, unsure of whether I have the right to it, I feel I am stealing it from others, I envy others who feel they have the right to it, don’t feel like it is stolen. I feel alone and unsupported. I am taking my power into the darkness rather than the light. I feel guilty and selfish about holding power, I have to hide it.
Embody… (Knight of Disks) here he is again showing me that as a child I absolutely embodied my power, I had an innate confidence, an innate embodied power. But I used it to cover and hide my insecurities, even to myself. My body has always known how to be calm in the face of risk, how to be powerful, but I didn’t think I was allowed to be.
My power… (4 of Disks Rx) is upside down, it is flowing towards the sky and instead of the earth, it is trying to escape this planet, trying to walk on the stars instead of walk my path on this planet. I am disconnected from my path through my beliefs in the restrictions I face on this earth.
Middle row (teenage years and adulthood to now):
I… (6 of Disks Rx) pushed my power into darkness, I do not know how to retrieve it. Especially my power springing from my sexuality, my power relating to my body, my creative force. This is the result of the deep seated fears I had since early childhood of showing myself to the world, especially my desires. By this point I had pushed them away so much, misunderstood their meaning so deeply that I no longer knew how to access them at all.
Embody… (Strength Rx) I no longer embodied my power, I was no longer using my body, my body felt weak, I had removed its strengths though my belief that its strength was dangerous, unwelcome, not permitted (as a child I had been very physically active, in my teens I stopped using my body).
My power… (Queen of Disks Rx) was in a place of lack. I felt under pressure, weak, unstable.
Bottom row (now):
I… (Wheel of Fortune Rx) have difficulty dealing with the changes unfolding around me, holding myself afloat in the world. But compared to the previous versions of myself, this one feels very hopeful, not nearly so stuck, much lighter, the card is much lighter.
Embody… (3 of Swords) I am healing my wounds and opening my body to its innate power again, becoming embodied. I am using my (self-inflicted) wounds as gifts for healing.
My power… (3 of disks) is that of creation, I have reconnected to my power through clay, through creating, through putting my hands in the earth and using my body to create. I have grounded back into my power through my creative work with the earth, i have re-birthed my power!
This spread felt so clear, so redemptive. It was hard to see what I had done to myself, but it was clear that this had happened in childhood. I felt so much compassion for my childhood self, and also felt so thankful that I had found clay in order to bring me back to my power. It is clear there is still work to do, but that work is love. Loving myself, loving my body, loving my desires, loving my mistakes, loving my vulnerabilities, loving my strength, loving my power and showing it all to the world. No longer being afraid!